“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him” Psalm 127:3
For as long as I can remember the only thing I really wanted to be in life was a mom. When I was a little girl in class my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I told her I wanted to be a mom and that’s exactly how I felt. I felt like the Lord created me to be a mother. When Noah was born that solidified those feelings for me. The minute I laid my eyes on him I felt this earth shaking, life changing love (I’m sure you mamas can relate) It was the kind of love that I couldn’t believe I had lived 25 years without it.
I always knew I wanted more than 1 child and when my husband and I got married we agreed that two children was the perfect amount for our family (God clearly has a sense of humor haha!) I also knew I wanted my children to be close in age. I wanted them to be able to enjoy life together as siblings and hopefully very good friends. When Noah was 1 year old we agreed to try for another baby (it took 3 months to get pregnant with Noah so we figured we had some time and by time the baby was born Noah would be around 2.5 years old — haha! Jokes on me again!) We got pregnant instantly (within 15 days to be exact) and then we found out they were twins! I bawled and they weren’t happy tears. How was I going to take care of THREE babies?! How did this happen SO fast? Noah would have just turned 2 by time the twins were (suppose) to be born.
Let’s fast forward now to bringing the twins home. While the twins were in the NICU, I had a different kind of “relationship” with them. My home life with Noah and my husband was very seperate from my NICU life. I felt a great bond with the twins, until I brought them home. Have you heard that saying that people ALWAYS say; “once you have your second baby, your heart grows and you love them like your first”
Well.... I wasn’t feeling that. I had this beautiful relationship with Noah. It was how I always felt my relationship would be with my children but with the twins I felt so distant from them. I yearned for a relationship with them like I had with Noah and I didn’t understand what was wrong. I spent a lot of time crying to my husband and eventually went and seen my Dr. As most of you know I lost both my parents in 2018 (my mom right before the twins were born and my dad while they were still in the NICU) So, all of that loss plus the NICU trauma I was diagnosed with PTSD and PPD. It felt like once I was home with the twins from the NICU and no longer in “fight” mode all the emotions from the pain 2018 brought me surfaced. Life with 3 babies under 3 was HARD. I couldn’t get into a routine, I couldn’t juggle it all. I was being torn into so many directions while dealing with my own mental health that I was breaking. I remember praying to God and feeling like I was grasping for a life line. I had no patience for my family. I had no love to give and I couldn’t believe this is how my life was going to be. What had I done? Why did I break a perfectly healthy family by adding two more children?
My friends that I told what I was going through would tell me that it was going to get better and just to give it time but I didn’t feel that. I felt so hopeless. I was going through the emotions of every day life and I felt so unhappy doing it. Change, feed, burp, bath, rock, feed Noah, feed my husband, do laundry, clean the house, repeat, repeat. Taking care of my family is something I use find so much joy in (hence the reason I chose to stay home) and now I had no joy.
I wasn’t ready to give up. One day I had a conversation with my husband that I was going to change a bunch of things (spiritual life, prayer life, positive affirmations, etc) for 2 weeks and if I didn’t start to feel like my old self I was going to go talk to my Dr about medication. For those two weeks I really focused on those things and on myself. I would get into scripture first thing in the morning and I’d pray the minute my eyes opened. I‘d pray patience, love, calmness and joy. I would play worship music throughout the day. I knew if I was going to get better and figure this new mother of 3 thing out that I needed God’s help.
Within a week I started to feel “better” I found myself smiling more and laughing at the silly things my children would do. I started to feel joy in being their mother. I found myself missing them when I would just run to the store. I knew I still needed to work hard so I did! As the days went on I really started to feel like my old self again. My mindset felt like it completely shifted to how it use to be. I felt .... happy again.
That earth shaking, world shifting love I had with Noah, I finally had with all 3 of my babies. I instantly thought “THIS is why I did this. THIS is why I decided to have more babies because God knew I was meant to be all 3 of their mama!”
Life is much more beautiful these days! I am so in love with my family and I am so thankful for God bringing me out of one of the toughest times in my life. We have finally and successful found our “grove” as a family of 5. My days are still filled with diaper changes, feeds, laundry, cooking, crying infants and a hyper toddler but the difference now is that it’s also filled with SO much joy and happiness. We spent our days playing, dancing, listening to music, going for walks and spending as much time as a family as we can. This season of my life is so busy but so wonderful. Most days my hair isn’t brushed and I’m not wearing clean clothes but my children are happy, my husband is happy and I am finally so happy again!
If your a mama and your struggling to “get it together“, if you feel hopeless and helpless, if you feel sad or lonely, you are not alone. It DOES get better! Your not living a bad life,
your just having a bad day (or days) but it DOES get better and you are not alone.